Parenting Outside the Lines: Harvesting a Lesson
by Priestess Cassandra
The path the Goddess has put before Cassandra is to advocate for families with special needs children. As Cassandra embraced this path, she has found that all families have special needs and we are all the children of the God and Goddess. Cassandra has found that often to find what works for a family, one must parent outside of the lines.
The trees seem to be bursting with fiery colors! Harvest time is upon us. This is a really good moment in the wheel of the year to help our children understand that hard work, dedication and nurturance pays off in many ways.
In a world where immediate gratification is marketed to us through every medium, it is important for our children, especially those with special needs, to understand that many things take time and energy to produce rewards that will greatly outshine those that come with immediate gratification.
If you didn’t create a garden or plant something this year – start thinking about planning a garden or growing a plant for next year’s harvest and involve your children. If you did this year, show your child how the plant or garden is doing. Show them the results of the hard work.
Let your child see how even the trees work hard each year. Growing new leaves, growing bigger and stronger during the spring and summer and then in the autumn they celebrate with vivid colors all that they have accomplished this year. Let your children see the cycle of the year. How the days are getting cooler, and the plants are changing. Let them see the beauty and abundance that comes from dedicated work.
Pick out a pumpkin – use the different parts – roast the seeds and let your children taste them – use the insides and create a pumpkin pie – and then help your child carve a jack-o-lantern. Make sure to explain that the pumpkin grew from one of those seeds that you took out and how someone had to water it and take care of it so they could have fun with it now.
These lessons are so very important for our special children. Many of them will have to work hard and long to accomplish what others are able to do quickly, but the gift their specialness gives them is what they will need to be ahead of the game when it comes to understanding the rewards of long term commitment and effort.
Namaste
Parenting Outside the Lines: Nature Walks
by Priestess Cassandra
The path the Goddess has put before Cassandra is to advocate for families with special needs children. As Cassandra embraced this path, she has found that all families have special needs and we are all the children of the God and Goddess. Cassandra has found that often to find what works for a family, one must parent outside of the lines.
Summer vacation is winding down for most children. The chaotic routine of the non-school routine will soon be pushed aside and the school routine will become the norm. Before we get stuck in the school routine rut, consider planning ahead and scheduling in some nature walk times during the school year.
So often during the school year we focus on school work, special education plans, appointments, after school group activities and forget about more relaxed family time outside. Just scheduling a certain day each week to take a nature walk – around your neighborhood or even a drive to a different location and then a nice walk can do your family good. Take time to take pictures and talk about the different things you see. Notice the changes of the season and how each thing you see changes with the season and the weather. This is a way to stay grounded to each other and to nature when the world tries to pull us away.
There are so many positives to nature walks. It is a time you can check in with each other – some children do better talking when they are not looking at you and this can provide them that time. Studies have shown that discussing or thinking about an event that causes distress while walking can help process the event more effectively and allow it to become a less distressing memory.
Take pictures of the things you and your child see. Let your child have a camera to take pictures. If you find something you do not know what it is, look it up together when you get home. Also take this opportunity to pick up any litter you see lying around on your walk. You and your child can feel good about helping the environment and being a part of it.
Being aware of your environment and being part of it is rewarding and calming and gives purpose. It helps you and your children connect with the wheel of the year, the cycle of the seasons and the rhythm of the land. Outdoors isn’t just for summer, it is for all times of the year. Enjoy the cold weather, the snow, the rain, the frost, the heat, the wind… even if it is just your block or backyard – it is a beautiful world.
Namaste
Parenting Outside the Lines: Summer Schedules
by Priestess Cassandra
The path the Goddess has put before Cassandra is to advocate for families with special needs children. As Cassandra embraced this path, she has found that all families have special needs and we are all the children of the God and Goddess. Cassandra has found that often to find what works for a family, one must parent outside of the lines.
In my childhood I looked forward to summer. Summer meant camping and hiking and being out doors. I got to learn, experiment and experience so much in Mother Nature. Instead of being told things inside by teachers – I had the opportunity to figure things out and learn consequences outside by Mother Earth. As I watched my children grow – I noticed differences – some of them due to their special needs, but most of them due to our changing world. On the special needs end, I found my children became more dysregulated – they needed structure to feel comfortable ad to be emotionally regulated (not have temper tantrums and other emotional explosions constantly for seemingly no reason). On the changing world side – my children’s friends had indoor parties and would want to play video games all day IN the house.
I was overwhelmed by all of this. How could I make my children’s summers be as magical and wonderful as mine had been? I would eventually figure out some ways and intended to write about it for this Summer Solstice column. As always the Goddess sometimes changes things so that she gets her message across. So I am still writing my column on what can help special needs kids during the summer, but I just got to personally experience it (despite the fact my children are now adults or almost adults). So on the Summer Solstice and the day after I was volunteering at a camp in the mountains and working with more than 50 children, most of them with special needs. This reminded me of several of the things I found helpful to have a great summer with my children.
The most important thing for a good summer is having help. This can be hired help such as caregivers and babysitters or volunteers such as friends and family or even creating a co-op of like minded families. Remember during the school year, your children often have teachers and other people helping with them during the day, which gives you some respite, so build it into your summer too.
Next schedule with flexibility. Our kids often need consistency so we want to try to make each day similar to others and yet different. This can be done by having the same wake up routine, the same breakfast routine, the same snack and lunch routines and the same dinner and bedtime routines. Then you can also have a transition routines. Schedule ideas and people for different days. For example several years ago when my children were younger, I got together with some friends and each week we would do something different. I still got my children up at the same time and did the same things and we started each visit the same and ended the same but each week we did a different project with each of us leading the project. Be flexible if things happen or your children aren’t up to doing something. Don’t get upset just have something to fall back on that will allow your children to get regulated and calm if they start struggling.
And lastly have options so you can give your children choices. I always have a couple of backup ideas or options in case my children are struggling with the plans. For example if your child likes to draw, have drawing materials available and then if the child starts to have problems with the plans you can offer the child the choice of that project or activity and drawing. This allows the child the ability to be in control of what they get to do and at the same time allows you to keep things under control.
I find that most children benefit from being outdoors and having a chance to do tactile things involving outdoors. For example making mud pies, playing in the dirt, collecting objects on the ground and making an art project, painting wood or rocks – all of these things help stimulate sensory parts of the brain and can help your child grow developmentally.
Have fun, laugh a lot – bubbles and playing in the water and singing make a wonderful summer – focus on the good – for each summer is a unique experience.
Namaste
Parenting Outside the Lines: Caring Couples
by Priestess Cassandra
The path the Goddess has put before Cassandra is to advocate for families with special needs children. As Cassandra embraced this path, she has found that all families have special needs and we are all the children of the God and Goddess. Cassandra has found that often to find what works for a family, one must parent outside of the lines.
Ahh.. May Day! Running around the May Pole, falling in love. Romance is in the air. With Special Needs Children our lives often become overwhelmingly about advocating and caring for our children. We take classes, join support groups, learn medical interventions, go to appointments, arrange meetings all for our children. I know because I have been there and often am still there. One thing we often forget is how important love is. I don’t mean the love and caring you give unconditionally to your children, the love your show your children when interacting with your spouse, partner, their other parent or care-giver.
If you are not in a romantic relationship with their other parent or care-giver, you need to make sure you treat that person with respect and the love we should have for all people. Often this is really hard if that person is not respectful to you. What you must remember when interacting with them around your children is that no matter what you feel for that person, they had some part into bringing this blessing of a child into your life. Love and respect them for that even if you cannot stand the sight of them – before having to see them in front of your child, close your eyes and think how without them this wonderful child would not be the same or possibly in your life at all. Always come from a place of love and respect for that point, so that your child does not have to deal with adult issues any sooner than they have to. If you are lucky you are on good terms with that person and it is not hard to show love and respect. If it is not easy due to the stress in the relationship – a friend of mine once told me a phrase that works so well. “Thank you for reminding me” whenever that person puts you down, or says something you really don’t like. The rest of the statement in your head is “why I feel the way I feel about you (or whatever you want to think)” The most important thing is to keep your child or children as the primary focus in this relationship.
Now if you are in a romantic relationship with someone around your child, you want to show them the benefits of a loving, respectful and caring relationship. You also want to show the child how a team works. If you haven’t done so already a open and honest talk about your child’s special needs and parenting strategies is important. Find common ground or work with a therapist or family coach to help find the best parenting for your child and your lifestyle. The important thing is even if you do not agree with your partner, do not disagree in front of the child. It is confusing to the child and it causes insecurity problems and also gives them a way to manipulate and actually have too much control.
Once your partner and you are on the same page as far as childrearing, you need to make sure you are building time into your day and your relationship to be loving towards each other. I know many people who were afraid to get into long term relationships just because their parents didn’t seem happy or in love. We all want our children to be happy, but if they do not see what a happy and loving relationship looks like, how can they know how to create one, interact in one or even know if they are in a good or bad relationship?
Compliment your partner, say loving things, tell them you love them, show pride in what they do. This models a positive relationship for your child. Depending on your child’s special needs, they may not understand talking about relationships and what to do or look for, so it is important that you show it on a regular basis so they can hear, see and experience that kind of relationship.
Now here is the best part about this – the more you show affection to your partner, and accept their affection, the more your stress level will go down and your resilience to stress goes up. This allows you not only to show your child a good relationship but your relationship will improve with your child because you are les stressed.
It is often hard to get started once you have gotten into a rut. So start small and easy. Tell your partner that you love them when you part ways for the day. When they come back, hug and kiss them and tell them you love them. In bed or on the couch find touch that they like and that you like – back rub or foot rub or just holding hands. The more you focus on those little loving things, the easier it will be.
When you start to argue. Stop. Make sure you are alone and not in front of your child. If that cannot be done right now, try to put it off until it can be done. Remember seeing debates in high school or college? – Use that as a format. Calmly let your partner know what bothered you and why. No name calling or bad language – do it like you were on a debate team. Be willing to agree to disagree. In 6.5 years I have never fought with my husband. We have debated and there are many things that we will never agree on. He is his own person and I am my own person. What we can agree on is we fell in love with each other for who we each are and therefore that part that we may not like is one of the things that make them the person we fell in love with.
Never go to bed angry. Always end the day on a positive note and let your partner know you are glad to have them in your life (even when they are driving you crazy).
I found my kids have made me a better person because I always think how they see things and whether I would want them imitating me or not. When I am not being loving, I know I do not want them imitating me , that is not what I want for them.
So take a moment, think of how special your child come from a place of love when interacting with other adults. Your children absorb a lot more than you would think. Let them absorb the love, care, respect and joy in your life to grow up to be loving, caring and respectful because that is what they learned from you.
Namaste
Parenting Outside the Lines: Creating Together
by Priestess Cassandra
The path the Goddess has put before Cassandra is to advocate for families with special needs children. As Cassandra embraced this path, she has found that all families have special needs and we are all the children of the God and Goddess. Cassandra has found that often to find what works for a family, one must parent outside of the lines.
I look at my window and I see tiny bits of brilliant green appearing on branches. Some flowers are starting to bloom. The skunks in our backyard are mating and creating new life. It is almost as like seeing the world being created in front of our eyes. Where there earth was bare or snow covered, life is springing forth. I find that I cannot help but to be creative and want to create during this time of year.
This is a wonderful time to create with your child. No matter what their abilities, you can create works of art, useful things, food, dreams, moments, memories, imagination and so much more. Have your child help you in the kitchen and learn how to cook something. This can be done at nearly any age and any level of ability. From no-bake peanut butter balls (http://allrecipes.com/recipe/easy-and-fun-peanut-butter-balls/) to baking a cake and decorating it to a full meal. Not only are you creating a memory with your child, but you are creating something to share with others and a sense of accomplishment.
You can create a work of art. Most large stores (Walmart, Target, K-Mart) sell prints with frames to hang on your walls for a low cost. I often buy these and at home, take out the print (sometimes I even use the blank back of the print for the base of our art project. Then I let creation begin. If your child struggles with imagination, you can help them along by brainstorming. The important thing is to let your child take the lead. Remember to think outside of the box. You can use dirt, old fabric, pasta, tin foil, sand, plants, pictures, magazines, anything and use different styles. The best part is when the child feels it is completed, you have a beautiful frame for your work of art and you can hang it for all to enjoy your child’s wonderful creation and your wonderful memory and moment in their life.
You can help your child create or decorate useful things. Need organizational boxes for your spring cleaning? Consider using old boxes or buy some inexpensive plastic boxes and then decorate and label them with your child. Help your child learn to organize and put things away at the same time as letting them feel like they have the ability to control some of the process. Little step stools can be made rather easily and even tables and having fun decorating them can be a great thing to do together. My grandmother’s dining room table was made from a giant spool (the kind electric companies get their cables on) – she then put rocks and paint and chain on the top and poured liquid acrylic over the top to create a flat surface. I loved that table.
Namaste
Parenting Outside the Lines: Outside Winter Ideas
by Priestess Cassandra
The path the Goddess has put before Cassandra is to advocate for families with special needs children. As Cassandra embraced this path, she has found that all families have special needs and we are all the children of the God and Goddess. Cassandra has found that often to find what works for a family, one must parent outside of the lines.
Across most of this continent, it has been quite a cold winter. I am sure many of you parents are just plain tired of being indoors with your children. The mud and the wet making your carpets and floors look like a motor cross racetrack, kids sniffling and sneezing, drippy noses and sticky handprints everywhere. Many are wishing, begging and pleading for warm weather so they can send their kids out to play longer than 15 minutes at a time without tracking in the entire outdoors into your living room and kitchen.
Frustration leads to tempers, no matter how calm you are, a muddy set of boot prints on your just washed kitchen floor when you are trying to make dinner is not going to lead you to be the parent of the year. This is completely understandable and it does not mean you are a bad parent, what it means is that you live in the real world and have real challenges. Sometimes a reminder (maybe this column) is helpful to put things in perspective.
Childhood memories are made not with the special trips to Disneyland or the perfect birthday party or the perfect gift, they are made with those crazy and fun times with their parents or caregivers filled with love. So today do something crazy and fun and don’t worry about cleaning or trying to be the perfect parent. Instead of getting upset that your child did not wipe their boots off before coming into the house, take them outside and go puddle stomping – see how high you can get the water to splash – can you learn to stomp to angle the water to hit the other person? Take some old pie tins and go outside and make mud pies, then decorate with twigs and leaves or rocks.
Make snow angels if you have snow – make a crazy snow animal. If you do not have snow make mud people. If the weather is really nasty instead have a camp out in your living room. If you have any empty paper towel or toilet paper rolls pretend they are sticks and find red\yellow\orange tissue paper or color paper and tear it up and put it on your “sticks” for a campfire. If you have marshmallows stick them on chopsticks and “roast” them. Sing campfire songs.
Want help with the chores? Have a child dust the living room but before they do place wrapped candy in the nooks and crannies you want them to dust – let your child know there is candy but they can only find it if they do a great job. Tell them to gather it up and then after they are finished dusting bring them to you so you can see how many pieces they got.
These are the things your child will remember, the fun times when you could just play with them and have fun with them at their level. They are able to connect and learn how to interact in a positive way and they feel loved and cherished.
So put down that mop and go get dirty yourself – it’s fun!
Namaste
Parenting Outside the Lines: Holiday Tips
by Priestess Cassandra
The path the Goddess has put before Cassandra is to advocate for families with special needs children. As Cassandra embraced this path, she has found that all families have special needs and we are all the children of the God and Goddess. Cassandra has found that often to find what works for a family, one must parent outside of the lines.
Welcome back! In the Northern Hemisphere where I reside, it has gotten colder, bringing family physically closer together by being indoors. This time of year families come together in celebration and gift giving. This closeness can trigger emotional upheaval, stress and small misunderstandings can make celebrations turn into battlegrounds. For children with certain disabilities and others that are just sensitive to schedule changes or being over stimulated this time of year can cause lots of drama and trauma for them.
Do you remember what I asked you to do in the last column? If not here it is again, “take a few moments and watch your loved ones – watch them do chores or sing or play or work – watch them focus just on them for that moment in time – forget that you need to make dinner or your car needs repair and you don’t have the money. Just watch and be fully there, notice their movements, their expressions, and their sounds. Do not judge who they are or what they are doing – just take them in.” This is a time of celebration and giving and receiving gifts. Think back to the time you watched your loved one(s). That moment was a gift, just to have them in your life and having that moment to watch them is a gift, a celebration of life. You need to remember this when you try to deal with the demands of the holidays.
The focus of the holiday season should be to reconnect with family and celebrate being a family. If your child or your family feels like it is overwhelmed or in chaos during the holidays then it really is not a gift for your children. It may be hard to do with your family, but you need to simplify. Maybe spread out the different events. Holidays can be celebrated with family on days other than the specified holiday. Often this will allow more visitation and connection with family because there is a more relaxed atmosphere than when everyone is running around trying to make a particular day perfect and get in all of those traditions to the detriment of family connections.
I have found educating friends and family and taking the lead to make changes has allowed our children to enjoy family and the holiday celebrations. Do not be afraid to make changes and to negotiate to find a solution that works for your family, but do it from a place of love so that you are trying to keep the family connection and positive. This is the time to come indoors and to share our food, love and warmth with those we love and celebrate that we have been blessed with this moment in time with them.
Namaste
Parenting Outside the Lines: Introduction
by Priestess Cassandra
The path the Goddess has put before Cassandra is to advocate for families with special needs children. As Cassandra embraced this path, she has found that all families have special needs and we are all the children of the God and Goddess. Cassandra has found that often to find what works for a family, one must parent outside of the lines.
Welcome traveler! As you embark on the maiden voyage of our newsletter I am sure you are wondering what to expect, who we are and what specifically this column Parenting Outside the Lines is? Well as to what to expect – I suggest expect nothing so you can experience everything with an open mind and heart – the best journeys often start with no expectations at all. Who we are – well each of us is an individual who follows the path of the Goddess and we are all very unique with different talents. We are ever changing as we too embark on this journey. And what is this column, well remember when you were a child and you were told NOT to color outside of the lines, that you could only be creative WITHIN the lines, this column is the opposite of that when it comes to parenting.
What I mean by this is, so often because our families are unique with special needs or circumstances, standard parenting advice given to us may not work and we can break out of the parenting mold and be creative. We CAN color outside of the lines! I want to point out this does not mean coloring on someone else’s paper, drawing on the walls, using scissors to destroy – in other words parenting creatively does not mean to hurt others or do damage in the process. It simply means to think out side of the box, enjoy the moment, and use your creativity to connect with those you love.
Since this is our first meeting, I want to introduce myself. I am a mother of two special needs teenagers, a girl and a boy and both very different from each other. I have been to many trainings and also have a Masters in Counseling Psychology. I have been a single mom and part of a two-parent family. One child grew in my womb and the other grew in my heart through adoption. I have experienced tragedies and celebrations. I am always learning and growing and my best teacher is life itself.
So until our next meeting, I leave you with this – take few moments and watch your loved ones – watch them do chores or sing or play or work – watch them focus just on them for that moment in time – forget that you need to make dinner or your car needs repair and you don’t have the money. Just watch and be fully there, notice their movements, their expressions, and their sounds. Do not judge who they are or what they are doing – just take them in. My next column will look deeper into what you experienced.
Namaste
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