Parenting Outside the Lines- Grieving Dreams

Parenting Outside the Lines

by Priestess Cassandra

The path the Goddess has put before Cassandra is to advocate for families with special needs children.  As Cassandra embraced this path, she has found that all families have special needs and we are all the children of the God and Goddess.  Cassandra has found that often to find what works for a family, one must parent outside of the lines.

 

Litha, summer solstice, the longest day of the year is when you really see your intentions manifesting.  It never fails that I am struck by how the Goddess has decided to have my intentions manifest.  Often about now I do not understand why my intentions manifested the way they did, but I know there is a reason.

 

One thing I have learned is this is the time of year I often grieve.  I grieve for how I dreamed my intentions would manifest so I can accept and work with what I really have.  If you do not grieve for the loss of a dream, you struggle to accept the differences between the dream and reality.  This struggle often leads to frustration and negative emotions.  It is only through the process of grieving (it may be a quick and simple process or it may be much more intense and prolonged) that we are able to let go of the dream and see the reality for what it truly is.  Often what we find is the reality of our manifested intention is better in the long run than the dream we had of it.

 

Looking back at the last column about letting go of negative relationships or putting boundaries on them, I find this column follows smoothly on the tails of that one.  When we end anything, even something negative, there is a loss.  Often we feel some relief but there is a loss even a physiological one.  When we are stressed or dealing with drama, certain chemicals such as adrenaline course through our body and brain.  These are chemicals that can also give you a “high” feeling or a lot of energy.  Often when we remove ourselves from those type of situations, we are no longer at a “heightened” sensory state and feel almost like we do not feel or do not feel as intensely.  We actually feel a loss or emptiness not having that drama or negativity around.

 

This is what makes grieving important.  Acknowledge the feelings of loss and allow yourself to accept there are going to be some things you miss, even if it is the flood of these chemicals in our body.  This allows you to make safer and more thoughtful decisions on how you want to fill that void.  If you do not allow yourself to grieve, often you will find yourself subconsciously filling that void with similar types interactions.  This becomes self-destructive.

 

This is especially important when you are raising special needs children and you are on the go all of the time from one stressful situation to another.   It is easy for a parent in these circumstances to not allow support or help because they become “addicted” to living in this high stress way.  Instead find a way to put more positives in your life and take away a little of the stress, and then allow yourself to grieve the strange feeling  of loss and emptiness that you feel so you can enjoy the reality of a moment of calm.

 

When trying to explain this to people who are struggling to understand how we feel a loss at negative things being removed from our lives, I often tell this story of what happened to me.

 

When I was about 16 years old, I had major knee surgery.  Within a few weeks after the knee surgery I started feeling this nerve pain that felt like a hot, sharp lightening bolt from the toes in my right foot to the top of my neck – it would sometimes throb but most often it just kept like a stabbing pulse and never stopped.  I tried pain killers, hypnotherapy and every kind of pain management I could find.  Nothing cured it and I just learned to adjust the best I could.  My gait changed a bit to compensate and part of my brain was always working at blocking the pain.

 

Oddly enough 20 years later, my husband was giving me a massage after I had done a long drive and he pressed hard and we both heard a crunch and I sure felt something painful crunch.  I could still move my fingers and toes and could move – and I was still in a lot of pain and I went to bed.  In the morning, I awoke and honestly thought I had died.  I was trying to figure out why I felt so odd and I realized I didn’t have that pain. I cautiously got up and walked around.  I bent and twisted and even jumped up and down.  I was so happy, even if it was going to be a short time – I was thrilled to be rid of the pain for a bit.  I went to work, and at work I suddenly started having issues, I was having a hard time walking up and down stairs, I tripped a bit.  I kept feeling off.  By the time I got home I realized, I had was struggling with my walking because I was used to dealing with a sharp pain that was no longer there so I was now walking differently, I felt off because part of my brain was no longer blocking pain and didn’t have anything to do.

 

Within a few days when I decided the pain was really gone for good, I actually did a ritual and let go of my hold on the pain.  For 20 years this pain had been part of me and my life.  Something I interacted with nearly every moment of every day – even if it was negative, it was a part of my life and I had to say good bye to it so I could embrace my new life without the pain.  When I did, walking became easier and I was able to feel more comfortable in my own mind.

 

Most importantly though is allow yourself to feel and acknowledge your feelings.  Do not put yourself down and say, feeling this is dumb, or silly.  Acknowledging loss or any feelings you have at all is important to your own mental, physical and spiritual life and most importantly knowing yourself.

 

Namaste